Better Than I Know Myself
by cinematic daydreams
Summary: A relationship, once so pure, so sweet, could never be more dysfunctional. Kim's tired of waiting, Jack's tired of all the dishonesty. Why even stay when there is no reason? / One-shot/Songfic.


_Just the fact that you are reading this sentence makes me want to stuff your face with internet cookies. (: haha. No. I would never. Really bad pun used. _

_I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm not even depressed. I'm really happy! :D But I was so inspired that I got to writing. I've been watching a lot of angst movies lately, and I've been listening to depressing music (Adele. Making us hate men) and then I downloaded this song by accident and gave it a listen. It's not that bad. (: I'm not a big fan of Adam Lambert, but I love this song. And then I decided to write this one-shot slash songfic which is pretty AU. _

_Well, Kim and Jack have a bump in the road of their relationship (and a pretty hectic one, just to say) and it's really hard to get over. It gets pretty bad, I guess. You can be the judge of that. There's not too much swearing, but there's bad words used in this fic, so I just rated this T. It's not depressing. Just a little sad. Well, again, you shall be the judge of that._

_**DISCLAIMER: **__I don't own Kickin' It, whatchu' say? [raise eyebrow]_

**.  
**

**Cold as ice.**

**And more bitter than a December winter night,**

**That's how I treated you.**

**.  
**

"I don't like this," Kim Crawford's voice bellowed, and seemed to echo in their apartment. The kitchen's atmosphere was thick, and she couldn't meet with his eyes, and just stared down at the broken pieces of glass on the tile floor, knowing their loud shouting could be heard from their bedrooms, where their friends could hear them.

She was trying to hold her breath, not dare to breath, because if she did, she was afraid she would start crying. Kim didn't like crying in front of people – especially her boyfriend of three years.

Jack saw she was on the brink of tears, and couldn't help but feel a little bad. It was _her_ fault this was happening. It was _her_ fault for being the unfaithful one, for being the liar, for being the user. "You think I want to fight, Kim?" Jack's voice croaked, barely a whisper. "You think I like seeing this relationship crumble?"

"I didn't say that!" Kim protested, her voice rising.

What had happened between them? Just yesterday, it felt, they'd promised to get through this together, get through college together, and move in together. They were now half way through freshman year, sharing an apartment with their high school friends Grace Wexler and Jerry Martinez, who had just become an item. But while Grace and Jerry seemed as happy as could be, Kim and Jack were the exact opposite.

The fights had started off small, just a little arguing before bed, maybe interrogations at breakfast, grand exits on campus. But then it began getting out of hand. Every night, Grace would come home from her shift at the coffee shop, seeing her best friend in tears in the bedroom they shared. They were breaking apart, and all four of them were worried about what would be.

But tonight was different. Plates had been smashed, glasses had been thrown – the whole kitchen had been trashed. Who knew how long it would be before the beloved couple is at each other's throats?

"Well, it sounded like it!" Jack said, and his girlfriend's eyes met his, cutting through his soul like a knife. Those were the eyes that he fell in love with. Those hopeful, lively hazel eyes that seemed to keep him going. But there was something different about them now. They were all fragile and broken. And he could see that it wasn't just her eyes. It was her.

Kim clenched her fists, squeezing her eyes together in annoyance. "What is it with you, Jack? That the problem with things! You always just assume, twist the storyline, and you make it into a bigger problem than it already is!"

"So seeing you basically thrusting yourself at other guys, getting drunk, going places and not telling me is just assuming?" Jack crossed his arms over his chest, trying to keep calm, but really, he could feel his ears going red. "We've been together three _fucking_ years, Kim! What changed? Before, you'd tell me where you are, you'd stay faithful, and you were always under control."

Kim felt her heart wrench inside her chest, and her tears started falling down her cheeks, her breathing starting to become heavy with fear. The fear that the person she was in love with was gone forever. Jack felt that ache too inside himself. It was an ache that couldn't fade away.

What changed?

**.**

**And I know that I,**

**I sometimes tend to lose my temper,**

**And I cross the line.**

**Yeah that's the truth.**

**.  
**

"You're always belittling me!" Kim cried. "You're always insulting me, calling me a slut, making me feel like absolute crap!"

Jack shouted, "I'm sorry that I lose my temper with you, but I feel as if I'm the only one who's actually fighting for this relationship, like this is all one-sided! I'm sick of your little mind games!"

"And I'm sick of your insecurities," Kim snapped back. "I do love you Jack, and I would never hurt you like that, and you know I wouldn't! But you think that you, being the little child that you are is a brilliant excuse for calling me names, making me cry?" Now the guilt had hit Jack in the gut. "I can hardly recognize who you are anymore!"

"I'm here!" Jack shrilled, his hand gestures becoming extreme. "I'm right here! But no, you're too busy selling yourself! You're the one who's changed here, and not in a good way." The tears were flowing faster down Kim's cheeks. The blonde was continuously running her fingers through her hair. She didn't want to argue with that Jack, even if she did disagree with him. Fighting like this would get them nowhere.

"If you feel that I'm being an asshole, Kim, why don't you tell me, instead of trash talking me behind my back? At least I'm being honest!" But as soon as Jack said it, he regretted it. He could see the hurt flicker in Kim's eyes for one second, but anger burned in them the next.

Kim sighed. "Okay, then. You want to be honest, Jack? You want honesty? You are one of the biggest jerks I've_ ever _come across! No one's ever made me feel as horrible as you have! I feel like a complete idiot for staying with you all this time. I'm trying to fight for us, but you keep on kicking me down. I feel so weak when I'm with you. But I still love you – but I can't figure out why, because I hate you too." Kim walked out of the broken kitchen, dodging all the broken shards of glass and shoving past Jack.

**.**

**I know it gets hard sometimes,**

**But I could never leave your side,**

**No matter what I say.**

**.  
**

Jack's heart broke at Kim's words, coming to a sudden realization of how much he had hurt her. The words still ringed loudly in his ears, eating away at his insides. He was a horrible person, making the girl who seemed to light up his whole world feel as though she didn't. Jack sighed, and released his anger by kicking hard at the bottom of the kitchen island, picking up a plate and then throwing it on the floor. Surprisingly, the sound of his groans had overpowered the sound of the glass breaking.

She'd done wrong too. But why did he feel as if he was the one who caused all the damaged?

Earlier on, when college started, his brother committed suicide. He was tired of the world and how it seemed so big, and how he had no purpose. Jack never cried, but he did. And Kim was there for him the whole way. That was the last time their relationship had felt like real love. Now it felt all skinny – as if there was no purpose of it anymore.

But why didn't he just give up, and let it all go to waste?

Because he still loved her with a passion.

And he didn't want to let her go. He was going to fix this before things could get worse.

.

'**Cause if I wanted to go, I would have gone by now,**

**But I really need you near me to keep my mind off the edge.**

**.  
**

"What do you think you're doing?" Grace asked her blonde best friend, who was tossing clothes into an empty bag. Grace watched as the colors popped before her eyes, and turned her head in horror to face Kim. It was only them who were in their bedroom. Jerry had left to knock some sense into Jack. "Kim!" Her friend stopped, her eyes bloodshot from all the tears she had shed. She looked so broken. Grace could see she couldn't take it anymore, and that this was it.

"I'm leaving," Kim said, going over to her double bed and shoving all of the colorful items of clothing into a big duffel bag. "He doesn't seem to care. Me staying would make this harder for both of us."

"Kim, chill," Grace said, getting up now. She had to take action. She was the main cause of them getting together, and she wasn't going to let her masterpiece fall apart. "You guys didn't even break up. You said so yourself. You still love him." The brunette put her hands on her hips, looking at her friend in dismay. "You can't just leave."

Kim stopped for a moment. "Months, Grace. _Months_ I've tried waiting for the guy I fell in love with, and I can't believe it took me this freaking long to realize that he's actually never coming back." The words had to be forced out of her throat. She couldn't believe herself. She knew he was still in there. But waiting for him was disappointing, because nothing came out of it. "Maybe I won't go for good, but I need to go now. I need to think. I can't think here. It's as if he's suffocating me."

Grace frowned, and put a comforting hand on her friend's shoulder. She'd been Kim's friend basically since birth, and she knew once she'd made up her mind, it could not be changed. But she could see her friend needed her support right now, and that it was up her to decide what was right. "You go, okay? Do what you need to do. I could drive you, if you want. And you could maybe …"

"I need to do this on my own," Kim said, her voice breaking. The blonde felt a little bad for rejecting her friend to help her, but she did need to do this by herself. Trash talking Jack doesn't help anything. She shouldn't be at all, but she is. "But you could help me pack."

She missed Jack. She missed her best friend. But now that he was gone, there was no reason to stay at all.

**.**

**If I wanted to leave I would have left by now**

**But you're the only one that knows me**

**Better than I know myself.**

**.  
**

"What's wrong with you, man?" Jerry said, his arms going hysterical. "Do you realize what you've just done?" The Latino was giving his friend a lecture, while he was seated on the couch, looking up at him blankly, but he could see in his eyes that he was in pain.

Jack cleared his throat. "I screwed up out kitchen." It sounded more like a question than a statement.

"Damn straight you did," Jerry just had to agree – there was no denying _that_. "But you know what I'm going at, bro. She's the love of your life, and you're going to let her slip through your fingers like … sand?" Jack's eyebrow rose at Jerry's example, but even though it was kind of odd, Jerry had a point. "Just accept the fact that you are a childish asshole and go get her back."

Jack put his head in his hands. "It's not that easy! Goddammit," He had muttered the last part to himself quietly. It wasn't at all. Kim was furious with him and he was too. All Kim had been trying to do was have fun. But Jack _did_ let his insecurity get to him. He'd always been afraid that keeping a really pretty girl like Kim would be hard, but the past years had been quite effortless. And now, all of a sudden, when guys were looking her way, he couldn't help but feel jealous. Kim's drinking habits weren't that bad either. He just didn't like the fact that she drank at all because his father was an alcoholic, and it was killing him.

Jerry was just about to give up. He took off his beanie now, and started swearing in Spanish. He looked up at his best friend. "You're relationships more bipolar than Demi Lovato. One minute, you guys are all kissy, kissy, and the next, you guys are all Eminem." Jack was still confused by Jerry's examples. "Look here. Look at me now, Jackward." That annoyed Jack, that Jerry called him that. He didn't know why, but over the years, the name had sort of stuck, and not to snuggly. Jack obeyed Jerry. "Remember how, last summer, you were telling me that she is the one, and how you want to spend the rest of your life with her? What happened to that?"

Jerry had a point. Jack began to cogitated for a moment. The Latino continued. "You have changed too, Jack. A few months ago, Jack would not let Kim leave that door, and would not call her a slut, or any of those, er, words. A few months ago, you wanted to marry this chick and have her babies. And I've got to admit, if you guys do plan to …" Jerry performed a little hip thrust dance and Jack flushed. "You know. Hit the ham, then you have to fight for that booty. Now that I think about it, you two would make really cute babies." Jack face-palmed. "If you don't want to do this, at least do it for the fans."

"By fans, you mean?" The brunet asked.

"Grace and I," Jerry said hesitantly. "But still." Jack rolled his eyes. He couldn't help but feel as if a weight had been lifted. He can finally think clear about his feelings for Kim. Jerry was proud of himself, because just by the way Jack's face seemed to light up in hope, he knew his pep talk had went well.

**.**

**All along, I tried to pretend it didn't matter,**

**If I was alone;**

**But deep down I know,**

**If you were gone,**

**For even a day, I wouldn't know which way to turn,**

'**Cause I'm lost without you.**

**.  
**

A door slammed, and Jack was brought out of his deep thought. When he looked up, he saw a fierce blonde marching across their apartment, looking determined. Slung around her shoulder was her Love Pink duffel bag, and he could hear the jingling of keys. He could barely recognize Kim now. He gulped.

She was going to leave.

He couldn't let that happen. Especially not after he just thought it through.

"You're not leaving, Kim," Jack sprung up from his seat, and raced to the door, which she had almost gotten to, but he beat her to it, and covered the knob with his body. Kim wouldn't meet his eyes, and kept on trying to get passed him calmly, not saying a word, but Jack was not standing for the silent treatment. "You are not going to go anywhere."

"YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME JACK," Kim snapped out of nowhere, startling her boyfriend. He kept his figure stuck down onto the ground, not moving a millimeter. "Now, get out of my way." Jack could see this was a threat, but he still wasn't moving. Kim was getting violent now, trying to shove passed him, push him out of the way. When she figured out he wasn't going to move, she started pounding her fists against his chest, and then she started kicking as well. The adrenaline had left her quickly though, because as fast as it began, it ended, and her anger had turned into tears. Her knees gave in as she sunk down to the floor, her shoulders shaking in sobs.

Forget breaking inside.

She had officially broken.

Jack broke just seeing her and sank down next to her, tears welling up in his eyes too, but he wasn't going to let them fall. He needed to be strong for them both. She was crying into her hands, and Jack wrapped his arms around her tight, his chin resting on top of her head. "Shh," he started rocking her back and forth. "It's okay."

"I'm a failure," Kim sobbed, but Jack could hear her perfectly, even though because she was crying into his chest, it came out muffled.

Then Jack started crying too.

"You're not, Kim," he said softly, trying to breath normally. "And I'm sorry I made you feel that way. You _shouldn't_ feel that way. Just please don't leave me."

**.**

**I get kind of dark,**

**Let it go too far.**

**I can be obnoxious at times,**

**But try and see my heart.**

'**Cause I need you now,**

**So don't let me down.**

**You're the only thing in this world**

**I would die without.**

**.  
**

Kim sighed a shaky sigh and shook her head, even though it wasn't the smartest response. "I won't leave. I _can't_ leave." A new set of tears escapes her eyes, and Jack squeezes her tighter. They were both hurting now. And only now, they realized that they had to get hurt to realize how much they needed each other. They were each other's best friends. Kim just wanted to go back to that, back to old times. She couldn't leave behind her past, her present and what she hopes to be her future. "I'll stay."

"I promise that things will be better, okay?" Jack softly said into Kim's hair, rocking her again now. And this time, he meant every single word. "I promise that I'll change, that everything will change for the better. I promise not to make you feel like a failure, because you aren't, Kim. You deserve better than what I've been giving to you. Just give me a second chance. Please."

Kim felt relieved now. She'd always doubted it a little bit, but now she was sure. He'd shown her and admitted that he was wrong. "You're not the only one to blame," Kim sobbed. "I've been so irresponsible."

"It's okay," Jack said, stroking Kim's hair. "Everything's going to be okay." Kim sobbed into Jack's chest, staining his shirt until there were no more tears left. After they did, though, they don't know how long they were just sitting there in each other's arms, taking the moment in. Jerry and Grace weren't there to see, though, because they'd decided to give the two some privacy. "I love you, Kim."

Kim inhaled sharply. Those were three words she hadn't heard in such a long time, but she snuggled into Jack's chest, and exhaled. Finally, she could breath. The suffocating feeling was gone. "I love you too."

**.**

'**Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,**

**But I really need you near me to keep my mind off the edge.**

**If I wanted to leave I would have left by now,**

**But you're the only one that knows me**

**Better than I know myself.**

**.  
**

_It doesn't have to be all kissy and lovey dovey to mean something really emotional, I've realized. And I hope you did too. I just thought that this was cute, and it's the type of relationship that I would want. Everything was so … serious. Oh my god. I need to watch some South Park. I just had to put a little humor in Jerry's part with the pep talk because I couldn't take the darkness, even though it wasn't really that dark. It was dark for me, though._

_Please review though, and tell me your thoughts on this. (: I really hope you liked it! And if you really love me, you'll review. Lol. I won't pressure you, but I really like reviews and alerts. And this is where I shall shrug. _

_Listen to this song. I didn't do the whole thing because … I can't force myself to write it longer than it needs to be, or I kind of word vomit. Like shizz nizz that people would skim read. I would know. I skim read like hell. :P_

_Now I shall go to bed. (: _

_Keep amazing, beautiful people._

_Nia (: x _


End file.
